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Looking Inward

A Personal Blog

This is a place where you can learn about me both as a photographer and as a human. I'll share my thoughts, ideas

and feelings, on all sorts of stuff!

Focus and Perspctive

April 23, 2023

*NOTE TO READER *

This post includes two pictures. They're used as metaphors for the subject of this personal post. Please make sure you scroll all the way to the bottom to see them and get the full impact

I struggle sometimes to stay in the moment. Well, truth be told, it's a lot more than "sometimes."

My brain is super busy and often connects dots that just aren’t there. I guess you could say I’m an “overthinker.”

My fears and anxiety sometimes get the better of me. My emotions create feelings of past hurts and traumas. Then, to stop those things from happening again, I start trying to control things that are beyond my control.

These unhelpful, emotional thoughts, and their results are a constant struggle for me. Here’s an example; My partner and I normally talk on the phone several times a day and we always end our conversations with “I love you,” and she always tells me to be safe. Occasionally she’ll be distracted in the moment we’re saying goodbye and won’t say these things. Not a big deal, right? You’d think so, but not to my anxious mind. I’ll sit there and perseverate.

“Why wouldn’t she tell me she loves me? What’s going on? Doesn’t she love me? She’s going to dump me and break my heart! OH MY GOD! LIFE IS OVER!”

Ok maybe that last one is a bit of an exaggeration, but not an overly large one. The point is though, my mind brings up these emotional, unhelpful thoughts and I get stuck in these loops.

For the most part I know where these unhelpful thoughts come from. It’s fear of past traumas repeating themselves. It’s feelings of never being good enough. It’s fear of being rejected AGAIN.

So, if I know this, you’d think it would be easy to break these cycles of negative, unhelpful thoughts, right? Not so much. It’s been something I’ve been doing my entire adult life. These habits aren’t so easy to break. My brain is actually programed to work this way because it has been going on so long!

I’m slowly learning that when my brain starts being a jerk, I have to switch focus. First off, I must recognize that I’m in that place of negativity. I spot what’s causing it and say to myself something like “OK fear. You need to go away now.” As a brilliant therapist I know would say, you must acknowledge the feeling and send it on its way.

So now, after I’ve sent that feeling or thought on its’ way, I have to replace it with something. Using the scenario above where my partner doesn’t say “I love you,” or “be safe,” It’s essential that I look at the facts. The fact is that she was distracted in that moment. The fact is that she did just book us a reservation for a special steak night at a local restaurant next month. The fact is that she doesn’t want me to be unsafe and drive my tractor/trailer rig over a cliff. The fact is that she loves me. I KNOW this. The logical part of my brain KNOWS these things.

Ok, now it’s the time when I relate all this to these pictures. The first, the one framed in green is two shots made into one picture. They’re taken from the exact same spot at the exact same angle, but as you can see, what’s in focus is hugely different. The metaphor here is that you can be standing somewhere looking out into distance and be so busy focusing on what might happen, that you’re missing what’s right in front of you. They moment you’re in can be lost because your fear is too busy controlling your thoughts about the future.

The second shot, the fence line, is a similar metaphor for me. The one post is in such sharp focus, but the further down the line you go, the blurrier and blurrier the posts get until they all just blend into one. The point? The point is this. All I can do is control what I can control in the moment. I can’t control the future. I can’t control the actions of others and I can’t tell you what the universe has in store for me. What can I control? I can control my thoughts and my actions and I can have faith that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be at the moment I’m supposed to be there.

It's a slow process, but I’m quietly getting there.

Why Now and Not Before?

February 28, 2023

Last weekend I visited a gallery. It's owned and operated by a photographer who showcases and sells his own work. Landscapes and wildlife mostly. Very pricey as he caters to a certain “crowd.”

This was the third time I’d been there. I stumbled upon it little over two years ago and have visited twice since. This guy is good at what he does; very good. Here's the thing though. He's no better than I am.

For a long time, I thought about trying to get my work out there and make a name for myself. I thought about building a website to show off my wares and talent and maybe manage to make a little money in doing so. For some reason though I didn’t do it until recently. Sure, I have a Flickr page, but it’s not the same as putting the time and energy into creating your own site; your own brand if you will.

I have dreams of seeing my art on walls and doing custom pieces. I aspire to tell stories through photo essays and to see them published. I want people to seek me out to help tell their stories; people whose stories might not be told otherwise.

So why I haven’t started down this road sooner? Why did I wait until now to start taking these steps? I know exactly why.

For as long as I can remember I’ve had a voice inside me saying “You’re not good enough. You’re doing it wrong. Why aren’t you doing it this way? There’s nothing unique here.” Translated, this voice is saying “You suck! Don’t even bother!”

You might wonder where this voice originated. I don’t. I know exactly where it’s rooted.

When the messaging I got from those who were supposed to nurture my talent and support me was constantly negative first with praise as an afterthought, what narrative is going to become my own? That’s right! “You have nothing unique to share with the world!”

So why now am I finally able to take this leap of faith and start putting my work in the public domain, leaving myself open to criticism and ridicule?

Well, I’ve finally started to realize that the roots of that self doubt aren’t rooted in reality. The reality is that my work IS good. The proof is right here in this website. The reality is that I’m doing it this way and not any other way because this way is MY way. This doesn’t mean I’m not open to critique or fresh perspective, but at the end of the day, this art is MINE. The reality is that I do have talent and an eye for capturing moments. I see things from a unique perspective, and I can capture those moments and that perspective in photos. I know that not everyone is going to appreciate my take on the world, but goddammit it’s MY take and nobody else’s!

This isn’t to say I’m not going to have times of doubt and wonder if my stuff really does stack up, but those moments are becoming fewer, further between and much less severe.

I must give a big shout out to two people at this point. Two people who have been instrumental in getting me to this place. The first is my loving partner and best friend. Over the past several months she’s helped me start to see my reality for what it is, not what my brain says it is. She’s taught me to look at the facts and use the logical part of my brain when the emotional part gets too busy. Thank you, Baby. Always. Forever. No. Matter. What.

The second Thank You goes to my photography mentor if you will. He’s been great over the years. Always appreciating my style and my take even though it might not align with his own. Thanks Dude!

So, getting back to that gallery. Why have I gone back there three times in two years, and twice in just that past few months? We’ll I certainly appreciate the artist’s work, but I think more importantly, I like going back there to see the REALITY of it. I AM that good!

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